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Lunchroom Legends about College


A lot of fake news circulates concerning college life. I’m not sure where all of this comes from, but kids seem to tell each other these lies—and you need to ignore them.

Spoiler Alert:

Pretty much all of the legends below are quick routes to failing a course or flunking out entirely. Don’t believe them.

College attendance doesn’t count

Yes it does, in two ways. In our course (and in many courses) attendance is part of the grade, and unexcused absences count against you. And obviously, if you weren’t here and the teacher said something you need, that hurts too.

Some teachers don’t appear to take attendance, but they really can—they just know who is supposed to be in their small classroom. (I’m not that good. I will usually call roll.)

You only think that absences don’t count against you because we don’t have an assistant principal phoning your mother. You are an adult now, and you should know how much absences hurt your grade.

Strolling in late counts against you. Yes, I’ve heard that some high school teachers didn’t mind if you wandered in 20 minutes late. The truth is that they were just putting up with you and quietly deducted points from your grade.

Fun Fact:

Attendance is the best predictor of success in college courses.

Nobody notices if I’m playing on my phone

Yes we do. I’m looking right at you. I can see you scrolling through eBay, texting your friends, and looking at porn. I can also see you studying your economics textbook instead of paying attention to our class. I don’t choose to waste class time by reprimanding you; I simply deduct 75% of the day’s attendance credit, secure in the knowledge that your low grade on your next paper (because you didn’t have a clue what I said about it) is enough punishment.

You only think I don’t care because I don’t confiscate your phone the way your high school teachers did.

Nobody cares if I plagiarize

Yes we do, and plagiarism is remarkably easy to catch. Every semester, I fail one or two students for plagiarism.

My demand for academic honesty is actually a university-wide policy, not just an English Department thing, so get used to dealing honestly with all your other academic work.

More than one student has told me that their high school teachers didn’t care if they plagiarized. I have no real answer for this, except that I pity you for having had such a poor teacher. This is college. We do care.

I can drink a lot and still be a good student

Nope. Every faculty member can name a smart, promising student who disappeared into the bottle and flunked out. According to one government study, 25% of America’s college freshmen drink enough to affect their academic performance—and that’s the definition of “drinking problem.” Along with non-attendance, heavy drinking is probably the second-best predictor of student failure.

Avoid Thirsty Thursday. It’s a trap. It reduces your seven-day work week to something like 3½ days—and you’re probably too young to drink legally anyhow.

Origin of the Thirsty Thursday tradition

Many Ashland students who live nearby race home on Friday afternoon, so the only possible time for a dorm party is Thursday night. This works against you in several ways:

  • You only have half as many evenings for homework. (You’re not going to do any schoolwork while you’re playing with your dog or hanging out with your family or playing your favorite video game.) Instead of your workdays being Monday through Saturday, you only get Monday through Wednesday and half of Thursday.
  • You won’t be much good on Friday morning because you’ll be sleepy and/or hung over. (If you get to class at all)
  • Establishing a tradition of heavy drinking doesn’t do anything for your future mental stability.

The moral of the story: Stay on campus and stay sober.

And a word to the good students:

The best freshmen look at this list and shake their heads. They are attending class, paying attention instead of playing on their phones, staying honest and staying sober. My message to you is “relax and keep doing what you know is right.” The freshman year is something of a gate-keeper: it’s a time to separate the sheep from the goats. A lot of the people who cannot follow these rules simply won’t be here next year.

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